[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.


Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.


Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?


I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.


cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong


superman: wait is this wrong


One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.


I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too