@Brampersandon_

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

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UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.

@just1fool

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“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

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“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@HousewifeOfHell

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@Tmoney68

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

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After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

@DaddyJew

Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?

Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours

Cop: get outta here

@Ivsy01

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal