@Brampersandon_

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

You Might Also Like

@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

@weezeebee

Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.

@EvilPandaX

Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?

@diaruba74

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

@climaxximus

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

@Emperor_Laykes

One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

@trumpetcake

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too