[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Just me?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*puts my mental health in rice
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!