@humanaaron

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

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@fowlerism

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@LostFelicia

If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.

@MoistPork

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

@ColIegeStudent

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@Lowenaffchen

*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible

@girlnarly

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy