[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo