[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face