Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My patience has stretch marks.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
why am I working on Labor Day