@leakypod

[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

@KyleMcDowell86

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

@TheBoydP

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

@sock_holliday

When I say books rule you say shhhh

Librarian:…

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

@hmcpherson17

Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.

@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@truegritrumble

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

@DanMentos

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs