I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.