[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.