My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
[first day as an anesthesiologist]
me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery
patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.
“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: Hi you look uglier online