@NOTVIKING

[first day as an anesthesiologist]

me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery

doctor:

patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep

You Might Also Like

@Miniwheats2012

My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.

@iwearaonesie

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

@BryceElder

Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

Belgian whistles.

@iwearaonesie

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

@sophielou

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

@causticbob

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

@EndhooS

Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot

@psybermonkey

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online