ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”