My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.
Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]