@HepatitisAtoZ

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

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@minnie_in_pink7

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

@Papa_Mex

8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.

Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls

@TheUnrealMattR

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

@PhriendlyCody

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

@hellohappy_time

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

@StellaGMaddox

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

@wheresthesnacks

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

@Tommytoughstuff

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]