[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Hitlers gonna hitl
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.