(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
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Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.