Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
You Might Also Like
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Made something I’m not proud of
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨