[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
That eye roll….
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence