[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
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Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.