My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time 🙁
I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.