[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’