[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
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Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
when someone compliments me
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.