[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Snapes on a plane.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax