[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Mistakes were made
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*