[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
the battle rages on
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?