accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”