Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 馃槧
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone鈥檚 neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough鈥ith鈥he鈥arambe鈥okes”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
When I snag the last meatball.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom鈥檚 homemade cookies. Dad鈥檚 disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no鈥he took my yamaha?
cop:
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Damn even I didn鈥檛 expect him to lift up the pizza lol
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”