[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?