@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@peteholmez

“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane

@70Ceeks

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

@_Kim_Jongun

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

@ch000ch

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

@hippieswordfish

‘welcome to subway how can i-‘

ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID

‘sir-‘

M: IS IT HIS PISS

@david8hughes

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

@joejwest

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.