@Holy_Mowgli

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

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@ilovepie84

My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.

@YoungFunE

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

@HenpeckedHal

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

@williamsonnier

customer: *looking at menu* what’s good?
me: not much what’s good with you?
him: …
him: …
me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.

@evervway

Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!

@UncleDuke1969

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

@aksorojas

I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there’s not enough balloons for everyone.

@Eightinchgoat

I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.