My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
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“Describe yourself in three words”
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
customer: *looking at menu* what’s good?
me: not much what’s good with you?
me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.
Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there’s not enough balloons for everyone.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
this makes sense