*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?