*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.