@david8hughes

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

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@robfee

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

@kumailn

“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@ObscureGent

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

@vineyille

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

@Mom_Overboard

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

@DaddyJew

I haven’t talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of ’06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.