[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
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I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
👾👾👾
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.