@chuuew

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

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@ericsshadow

COMMERCIAL:

[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]

Narrator: SHOES

@DaddyJew

Just lost a burping contest to my son and I’m officially disgusted with myself. And judging by the looks of it, so is everyone else in this HomeGoods

@krisv_723

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

@JenniferVaz36

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

@robfee

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

@dannyboy7813

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@HomeProbably

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects