[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

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[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]

Narrator: SHOES


Just lost a burping contest to my son and I’m officially disgusted with myself. And judging by the looks of it, so is everyone else in this HomeGoods


Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping


Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it


I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”


Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands


Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music


Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?


April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.


If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects