[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.