@FredTaming

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

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@charstarlene

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

@OtherDanOBrien

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

@RodiBrown

Tony Hawk was cursed by a deity to be beloved by all but recognizable to none.

@sarah_edo

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@weinerdog4life

When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.

@Chhapiness

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

@SkylarTessier8

Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

@CulturedRuffian

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!