[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions