I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
This thread gets better every time I read it