@theriouthly

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

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@DVSblast

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

@pleatedjeans

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?

@

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@Cheeseboy22

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

@KimmyMonte

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

@sixfootcandy

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy: