*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”