[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Gods work.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”