This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Your word: Spelunking
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
They did not think through this water fountain
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
Axl: Nice lawns!
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT
Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.