[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.