SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
some people want to be buried when they die. others want to be cremated. personally, I think I would like to be brought back to life
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.
Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.