[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.


Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.


Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.


1) It’s not very hard


A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.


Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?


some people want to be buried when they die. others want to be cremated. personally, I think I would like to be brought back to life


Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount


An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”


Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.