[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!