[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
You Might Also Like
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
all that yoga finally paid off
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
early stone age tool
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY