[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
This is my bus stop.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”