[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
beware of dog
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.