[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood


My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.


Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*


I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.


Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.


When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already


I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.


Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?


Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.


Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles