[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My new favorite headline
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.