@HughGoesThere

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

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@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@wettbutt

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

@BobTheSuit

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

@bocxtop

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

@shaggy_og_

Therapist: it seems like you fall in love too easily .

Me: what babe?

@orny_xo

Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.

@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

@parttimewinner

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

@iTomFoolery

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.