@HughGoesThere

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

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One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming…

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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

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@pseudofauxme

My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.

@aveuaskew

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

@Brianhopecomedy

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

@Vice_Queen

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

@jonnysun

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@truegritrumble

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.