[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”


*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice


Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!


how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism


Therapist: it seems like you fall in love too easily .

Me: what babe?


Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.


Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.



receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of


I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.