[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.


My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.


Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.


If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.


Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.


starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes


ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.