[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands