Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.