*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.