@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

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@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

@CockSnake

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

@Teretha111

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

@zachreinert03

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

@daemonic3

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

@vapidaccount

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

@DEgan4Baseball

I normally stay out of political talk on social media, but this is TOO FUNNY! #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner

@Big_Cat74

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

@ItsAndyRyan

Vampire school
Me: I just sunk my teeth into the first guy I saw on the street
Teacher: I’m afraid that’s a bit pedestrian