[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Velcrow
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”