My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
You Might Also Like
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?