A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Is the person naming these colors of yarn okay
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.