[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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Personal question. #JustSaying
This why you should mind your business
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.