IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
how to market bottled water to dads
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Breaking news:
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different