TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Speak now or ever hold your peace